myprevarication

 

Every one has a circle they draw in their lives. And in it are the people we care about, and look out for be it family, friends or otherwise.
And sometimes, I'm beginning to feel that maybe, just maybe, I draw this circle too big for my own good.
Because even if you were to do it unconditionally, its amazing how people still manage to let you down.
 

Prelims are next week, and the fact that I'm going to zouk tonight sums up everything. I'm way too calm about everything and I'm scaring myself. The only thing I take comfort in is the fact that I have shifted out of gear 1 and onto gear 2. It helps when you finally clear your mind and block out things everything negative. And I don't know if its worrying that I'm actually getting better at this.

 

"Life sucks - in a good way. Falling in love, falling in hate, getting laid, getting hurt - what’s one without the other? When it comes to the ritual of growing up, sometimes you smile because you’re happy. Other times, you smile just because you’ve survived. But hey, a smile is a smile."
— Donald, Happy Campers

• Being unsure of how someone feels about you.
• Feeling like they are mad at you.
• Being misunderstood by people you care about.
• Being judged by people you care about.
• Feeling like you lost something that was never yours.
• Feeling like you’re doing too much.
• Thinking you aren’t doing enough.
• Not knowing if you should say something.
• Worried about what they’ll think if you do say it.
• Feeling like you care more than they do.

(Source: msteez, via missingsundays)

I can't deny it still hurts sometimes, and there are times I feel empty, a void waiting to be filled. What hurts the most isn't seeing someone that mattered walk away. When there are so many things left unsaid, and what was supposed to be simple became complicated. What hurts is that as much as sometimes we don't expect people to appreciate things we do, we don't expect them to turn around and shove you off a cliff.

I like this proverb, 'When it is dark enough you can see the stars'. Its great to know that as you are picking yourself back up from a fall, there are people who are behind you and encouraging you to stand back up all this while without a trace of pity or disdain. I'm grateful that when I say I don't want to talk about it, I have a bunch of peeps who would still sit beside me and watch my back as I attempt to pull myself together. We can all choose to focus on what's tearing us apart or what's holding us together. And I I've found out what's holding me together. 

Accounting is giving me nightmares. I'm baffled at how something simple is getting me stuck on it for an hour. Seriously fml, I need to grow smarter. It's scaring me how when prelims are drawing nearer, my weekends are still laden with events and outings which I'm obliged to show for. 

Note to self : TPJC days were meant to stay in the past and not re-lived.
 

 
Question that's baffling me all week. Why the hell am I addicted to Taylor Swift's Back to December, this is totally ridiculous.

 Life is like driving a car, it should be driven looking through the windshield and not through the rear view mirror. Its good to look back once in awhile to see how far you've come,but sometimes we become so fixated with what we've passed that we end up taking a wrong turn at a fork. 

You can't make the same mistake twice,
the second time you make it,
It's no longer a mistake,
it's a choice.

 

I came across this quote and its like an epiphany. Akin to the apple falling on newton's head, its sort of finally recognizing something I have failed to realize all this while. This is no longer a mistake I'm carrying on, It's now become my choice. And it frightens me that I chose this.

"Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled, old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget."
—Dr. Meredith Grey (Grey’s Anatomy)
Right now,I'd give anything to forget everything.

I'm awake with a hangover and also guilt ridden, possibly hating myself more than yesterday.
I don't know your name, and you probably don't know mine. You held my hand so tight, and I wished I could have done the same.
As intoxicated as I was, I still knew that it wasn't the hand I wanted to hold. I'm sorry for not walking away earlier, and for not even bidding farewell before leaving. 

The adrenaline rush is over and I'm possibly feeling the true extent of damage from this fall. In retrospect, I should have handled it better. although finding out that last piece of the puzzle was like a coup de grace. I let emotions win over my head, but then again this scenario just brought back memories of an old scar. That feeling of being strung on intentionally or not, and it didn't help that you knew all along. Perhaps the correct thing to do was to put on a facade, to smile and pretend like nothing's changed. I'm supposed to be good at that, so good that at times I convince even myself that I'm fine when its not the case.

Great men never accomplished things by putting emotions ahead of practicality. And I need to start learning to separate them, to adapt to this world that is based on a facade. Where actions are based on necessity, rather than them carrying weight.